I’ll Just Leave This Right Here

Some articles are just really good reads.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/thetoxicexspouse/ht/toxicex.htm

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Edification

Edification ( definition ): Intellectual, moral, or spiritual improvement.

Edification is important to any relationship, no matter what it is. If you want an amazing marriage? Edify. If you want to want kids that are confident and achievers? Edify. Close connections with your inner circle? Edify. Raving fans customers and clients? Edify. There are several training courses that will teach you this skill set. And, it is a skill set. Edification will help you to help others reach their full potential. Improvement helps any situation become better. Growth is the goal.

Edification is a form of gratitude and appreciation. Ungrateful people take others for granted. Seeing something from the other person’s point of view is paramount. People want to be praised and appreciated for their efforts. Feeling valued is important. They want to know that they matter. This builds meaningful connections.

Edification helps you become more aware of others. Let’s face it, self absorbed people only think about themselves. There’s no room in their world for anyone but them. They just don’t believe that other people are as important as they are. Therefore they treat them as such. When you are the most important person in your world you miss out on amazing opportunities. When you look for the good in others, it returns.

Edification is a skill that anyone can learn. When you focus on what’s right, you get more of it. When you focus on what’s wrong, you can create more problems. It takes more energy to be negative than it does staying positive. Positive people help others, negative people only help themselves. How much does a compliment cost? Nothing. But, the results are amazing. Tell others good things about themselves, and see the transformation that it can create.

When you edify others, you open up a new world. Others become their best version of themselves. They are more likely to say, “yes” to requests. It breeds no resentment,  and endears you to others. Invest in others. Bring them up, not down. Let them feel special and like they are someone worth being around. Honoring others is important. Dishonor them, and you may well have a life long enemy.

 

 

Building Something That Lasts

It takes vision, planning, a strategy and a solid foundation to make anything last. It doesn’t matter what it is. Whether it’s a business or a marriage, you have to build it on a solid rock. People who don’t plan, don’t understand that failure doesn’t come from a lack of effort: it comes from poor planning. Poor planners learn the hard way, that you need a real back up plan. Or as we call it in business: and escape plan. Jumping in with both feet is not only foolish, but crazy in many cases. Revenue lost is very hard to replace when you don’t have a plan. They don’t call it “the school of hard knocks” for nothing.

Failure to plan is planning to fail. Before I started homeschooling my kids, I took 5 years to research and plan it out. Why? Because my oldest was going into middle school when I started, and I didn’t want to ruin her future. Had I just made a snap decision? She wouldn’t be carving out a bright future as a make up artist today. The same with my middle and youngest daughters. Not only do they know what they want to do, but they are on track to make it happen.

Strategy is everything. What will you do if things don’t work out? Do you have a viable back up plan? If not, stop and get one in place. After years of working in other businesses with other people, and going to countless seminars. Taking endless webinars, teleseminars and on line training. I was ready to start the business venture of my dreams. I choose my business partner Danielle carefully due to her past experience as well. She has a proven track record, and really knows what she’s doing. I trust her, and know that if we need to change direction at any time? She can shift gears. We are building a strong business with years of past experience to back it up.

Your team will either make or break you. Just like in a marriage when one spouse undermines, disrespects, and refuses to be influenced by the other; a team that has no cohesion will fail. Many a business has been started by partners with ideas and no real experience. This is what’s called “the blind leading the blind.” What starts out as fun can be your worst nightmare. Business can be fun, but if you don’t run it like a business? Then tell the truth: it’s a hobby. A business is a livelihood, and therefore needs to be treated with all the respect and seriousness of any other vocation. That means you have to work. Period. Once the business is established and successful then you can have fun.

It’s going to take up a lot of time and effort. This one is really hard for some people to understand. When you set up shop it’s a commitment. Just like a marriage, you’re supposed to be in it for the long haul.  Just like your spouse expects you to be there through thick and thin: so does your business partner and the rest of the team. If you don’t want to put in long hours, work weekends and/or when the weather is nice, or when everyone else is asleep, etc…? You don’t really want to be in business, or to be successful. Successful people understand that the only thing that comes before business is family. Period.

Pay now so you can have fun later. This is a concept that I’m teaching my kids. If you have fun while you’re young it’s fine. Just don’t jeopardize your future in the process. You only have so much time in life to accomplish anything. Do it while your young, and when you’re old you won’t have anything to worry about. Too often people live for today, and find themselves old and broke. If you think kids are expensive? The elderly pay a king’s ransom for medical care and other services. And, what’s worse? When most people retire, they live on half the salary they had when they were working. If that’s not enough, most never really prepared for the lifestyle change. And, still spend like they have the same amount of money to fall back on. With virtually no savings. So much for chasing happiness.

You only really have 2 choices: build your life on sand, or build it on a firm foundation. People who chose sand, watch what they build slide away with the first storm. But, those who build on a solid foundation will be able to reap the rewards that come with doing it right the first time. They won’t lose it all wondering what or how it happened. They’ll also keep their reputations intact, the respect of their peers, the admiration of their friends and family. And, more importantly, retain their  dignity, self respect, and love what they see in the mirror each day.

 

 

 

 

 

Inspiration vs Motivation

Are you inspired or motivated? Do you even know the difference? Inspiration is an internal process, motivation relies on the external. If you’re able to get yourself going without anyone to: approve of, support, validate or pay attention to you. Then you are able to stay inspired. It’s better to be inspired than motivated. Motivation is temporary because it relies on an outside source. Once that source is no longer present, you could be in big trouble.

Inspiration can be activated by negative motivation. There’s nothing better to get me going than to have to deal with someone that is causing me grief. It doesn’t deter me, it does quite the opposite: it spurs me to take action in a positive way. What do I mean? When someone is trying to make my life difficult, I shift the focus from what they are doing, to what I need to do. By shifting the focus off of them, I take away their perceived power and control.  Once I refocus, stay the course, and remind myself that I have better things to worry about? Then everything falls back into place again.

Motivation can take you to dark places. Ever have a person break up with you? You were the problem, had all these issues, they had to end things. But, once you starting moving on, they tried to stop you? That’s when they start doing things to try to get your attention. The ego is a fragile thing, and most people don’t want to admit that you can get over them, and no one wants to be the bad guy. Once they see that they aren’t even on your radar? Be prepared to see some dark motivation: Jealous insecurity, cyberstalking, mobbing, smear campaigns, control tactics, unwanted contact, negative cycling, ect… Motivation isn’t always positive, and it can inspire some very negative things.

Inspiration can come from simply wanting to be a better person. People who are inspired change the world. They aren’t focused on self. Understanding you can make a positive difference that actually helps others, not hurts them. Motivation can be helpful, but has be feed in doses almost daily. Inspiration rises up. Punishment can motivate a person to do the right thing, It can also be used as a weapon by someone that shifts blame, runs from responsibility, and refuses to be held accountable for their own actions. They are motivated to protect themselves. Inspired people want to help protect others.

Motivation is often based on others ability to lift you up, not your own. Now let’s be honest, if you need other people to pump you up on a regular basis: you’re just being lazy. Not in the sense that you’re a lazy person, you’re just not doing the work. If you don’t do the work, then it’s not your fault when things go wrong, right? Wrong. Too often people look to others to do for them, what they should be doing for themselves. Period. Yes, it’s nice to have someone that sings your praises, and believes in you. It just becomes a crutch when you can’t do it for yourself.

Motivation isn’t a bad thing. In fact it can be good, when you need a pick me up. The issue is: it’s external, and temporary. Being inspired starts on the inside, and if protected, nurtured and cultivated? Can grow into something extraordinary.  Motivation if received well, can turn into inspiration. But beware: many a person has been motivated and inspired to do the wrong thing. Be careful who you listen to: beware the man with sugar coated lips, his words can lead to destruction.

 

 

Business Partners

The right business partner will either make or break your business. You need a team, and the first person you should start with, is the first person that you lock on board. My business partner Danielle is literally a gift from God. Her strengths are my weaknesses, and my strengths are her weaknesses. We work well together and value each others’: opinions, input, decisions, and ideas. Most of all, we both know how to agree to disagree. A must if you want to have a successful business relationship. She’s also one of my best and closest friends. How do you know if you have an amazing business partner?

Business partners aren’t “yes” men or women. Nothing will kill a business faster,  than poor choices and bad decisions. They don’t vanish just because you’re business partner agrees with you. In fact, a person that agrees with everything that you’re doing is not a business partner: they’re a groupie. They won’t let you know that something is wrong, or not going to work. They’ll watch you fail with a smile. Losing money is nothing to sneeze at. If they don’t want to make waves, your business is not going to make it.

They bring something to the table. Your ideas are great: to you. But, many times, your business partner has better ones. Two heads really are better than one. If you both think exactly alike: someone is unnecessary. A fresh perspective and new ideas flow from other sources. If your ego can’t handle someone disagreeing with you, then get a job, don’t own a business. People on jobs are forced to work with people they don’t like, entrepreneurs are in the position to pick and choose.

They think of things you may have missed. This one is a no-brainer. They can see your blind spots and corners, and vice versa. Everyone gets inspired when they are allowed to flourish. If you’re an insecure control freak, good luck finding success. Fear is a great killer of success. Being insecure, jealous, envious, difficult to work with and/or for, controlling, ungrateful, obstinate, and all around unpleasant, will undermine anything that you build. If your partner is only allowed to work according to your comfort level, close up shop and do something else, you don’t play well with others.

They’re individuals.  Boy, is this one important. If you need your mirror image working with you? Man, are you shallow. Shallow people are easy to spot: they’d rather look good than be good. Your business partner is someone that should help enhance your business, not you. The business is what should be the focus, not how they make you feel about yourself. When your business hits a wall, and it will: Who would you rather have work with you? The person that makes you feel good, or the person that helps you make money? Unless you’re an non-profit organization, you need to consider this one carefully.

They can run the show without you constantly being around. Nothing is worse than working with a person that micromanages. If you don’t trust your business partner when you’re sick, on vacation, or otherwise indisposed: then you have major insecurity issues. The strongest business relationships are built on trust. You should be able to trust your business partner with the entire business. Not just the parts you feel comfortable with. They’re your partner not your employee, never forget that.

A business partner can be the difference between years of toil, misery and frustration without moving forward. Or, years of inspiration, innovation, growth, prosperity, and fulfillment. It really is your choice. If you want to go fast, go by yourself. If you want to go far, take a team. That’s based on an old african proverb. Crashing and burning are par for the course when you have the wrong business partner, and the wrong attitude. Your business is not all about you. When you are the issue, you are the cause of it’s demise.

Success Favors the Brave

Its really important to do the things that scare you. You can’t be a wimp and be successful, it’s just not going to happen. Success comes from being able to stick it out, even when things look bleak. When things are the hardest, and the most distressing, that’s when you have the breakthrough. Most people quit before they get to the good part. Why quit when you’re “3 feet from gold”?

I love taking risks. Why? Because, even when I fail: I learn something. The learning curve of failure teaches perseverance and tenacity. Fail fast is what I was told constantly in every business venture that I’ve ever tried. And, now? I’ve learned what not to do. I think it was Edison that said the same thing. No one would ever call him a coward. He proved that failure isn’t fatal, and comes with the territory.

Great things don’t happen overnight, and you have to be willing to look foolish. You also have to risk being embarrassed to be respected. Part of being brave is, letting others put you down while you’re trying to achieve something. Not many people can handle that. These are all a part of risk. Saving face, isn’t part of the deal when just starting out. You have to be able to look your naysayers in the eye with your head held high, and say: You don’t define me.

I challenge anyone to show me a successful person that didn’t fail at some point in their lives. You won’t find one. But, you will find many wannabes. I wannabe a business person, if I don’t have to sell. I wannabe be married, as long as I can get my way all the time. I wannabe a parent, as long as I can still do what I want to. I wannabe be successful, as long as someone else does it all for me. See a pattern here? Wannabes are people that are too afraid to: change, take responsibility or be held accountable, give up something, or compromise. In other words: unsuccessful people are just wannabes.

Risk also involves dealing with jealous and envious people trying to get in your way. That’s just par for the course. They really can’t do much to a steadfast determined person. Determination and grit will outlast these types of people. Why? Because it’s just another challenge to overcome. And, overcoming is what successful people do. They will run out of steam long before you do. Once you make up your mind, and take the risk? It’s all over for anyone that stands in your way. Making up your mind is powerful, and will take you far.

Risk also helps you leave your comfort zone. Nothing happens there. If you want to achieve something amazing? You’ll have to leave it often. I’ve found that negative circumstances can go one of  2 ways: you either choose to grow stronger, or get squashed. Choosing the latter, you can’t go wrong. Growth and change are scary, but not as scary as being stuck. Being stuck will keep you from achieving, and living up to your potential. Positive people help you to keep it moving, negative people keep you standing still.

When it comes to risk, I leave you with Dale Carnegie’s Solution:

  1. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can possibly happen?”
  2. Be prepared to accept the worst.
  3. Try to improve on the worst.
  4. Don’t fuss about the trifles ( don’t sweat the small stuff )
  5. Cooperate with the inevitable

Sound advice, wouldn’t you say.

What a Difference a Team Makes

Are you going it alone, or do you have a team? It’s something to really consider. Two heads are better than one. If one man falls, the other is there to help him up. But, woe to that man that falls alone, there is no one there to help him get back up. There’s a lot of wisdom in that. Going it alone, will take it’s toll. It’s so much better to have your own squad, and people who help you to see around corners, and blind spots. Everyone needs feedback, advice, input, correction with focus, and a team will give it to you.

I’m building an awesome team. My mentor’s list is growing, and now my client list is starting to show signs of growth as well. I can’t take all the credit for this, I have a team: my folks, Danielle, my kids, Favi, Mark, Emanuel, Carston, Amy, Katie and Chris, Jess and Aaron, Birgit, and the Maddox family just to name a few. Not to mention the Pastor of our church and his family, along with many other people that have become my primary support system along the way. Yes, I attend church, but you don’t have to believe what I believe, just know that it works for me. Wherever your team comes from, if it works, it works.

The phrase, “Teamwork makes the dream work is true.” My inner circle is tight, and it works for me. My team is made up of positive achievers that know how to get the job done. They have proven themselves to be loyal, trustworthy, dedicated, committed, and hardworking. Who wouldn’t want a team like that? They tell me what I need to hear, not necessarily what I want to hear. That helps to keep me grounded. Everyone needs people in their lives that do that.

Teams are also there for your survival during the “famine” as it were. There are going to be times when life gets really rough, and your team will be there to help you through it. Call them your “Survival kit”. They help you to go from survival mode to thrive mode. And yes, they are essential to your success. You may be become a self-made millionaire, billionaire, or whatever. But, you didn’t get there by yourself. It just doesn’t happen. All great people had and/or have a great team behind them. Even if it’s only one or 2 other people. The ones that help you get back up when you fall, so that you can stand tall.

When you become prosperous, that’s when it’s time to really acknowledge and appreciate your team in public. You should be doing this the whole time in private as well. Constantly showing gratitude, love and appreciation to the ones that helped you in public is priceless. There’s nothing worse than a glory hound. You know, the ones who have to take credit for things others have done to take the spotlight off of the other person. Superstars can’t stand to share the limelight, and will take credit that hasn’t been earned. Be like professional coaches: cut them from the team and replace them with a team player. You’ll be glad that you did.

Your team is a source of: help, inspiration, motivation, encouragement, appreciation, gratitude, reality checks, and at times, your shoulder to cry on. Let them know what they mean to you. If you’ve lost a team player that was: good to you, there for you, and always had your back? There will be someone else that will appreciate them. Believe it. What kind of team are you a part of? If it’s not helping you to stretch and grow, stay focused, keeping you grounded in reality, nudging you out of your comfort zone, or just helping you to keep your ego in check? It’s time to expand and get some new team members.

 

 

 

Terrible People

http://www.relrules.com/11-signs-hes-secretly-a-terrible-person/

There are many people in the world, but the ones that really make the world a miserable place are terrible people. They look and seem to act like normal, healthy human beings. But, sadly that’s not the case. Terrible people are every where. And, they aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Unfortunately.

http://mamiverse.com/traits-emotionally-immature-men-69605/

They are usually immature to add insult to injury, and cause injustice everywhere they go. Small minds have large egos, and have no problems putting others down as they see fit to build themselves up. Entitled people seem to get the most attention, even though they are the most unhappy. Go figure.

Although the attached articles focus on men, don’t get too smug ladies: many females fit within those categories too. I find this runs in families. Immaturity seems to be passed down, and no one seems to see that they’re the problem. So, it continues to reek havoc on the rest of us. Immature people don’t realize they’re immature, and are quick to tell you that you’re the childish one. Easiest way to spot an immature person: quick tempered ( they just can’t self soothe without putting others down ), mind readers, judgmental, mean spirited, vindictive, backbiting, controlling, critical name callers that are never wrong. And, least we not forget: easily bruised egos.

So how do you deal with terrible people? They aren’t worth keeping around. They’re the blamers, shamers, self proclaimed victims, and the all around worst people to have in your circles. If they want to leave, open the door for them and watch them walk out. Close it, and heave that sigh of relief that comes with the peace that will come with their departure. Then wield it shut so they can’t get back in. In business, don’t go out of your way to keep them as a customer or client. Toxic people attract like minded individuals, and bring into your business more of the same.

I’ve found that terrible people can’t get past themselves: they are totally self centered, selfish and self absorbed. It’s all about them. In business it’s bad enough, in personal relationships: it’s hell. Self loathing people try to convince you, that you deserve to be mistreated. The truth is: if they loved themselves they could love others. Period. And, what’s worse, they enlist others to help them justify their twisted views of those they feel threatened by. Most of us call this cowardly behavior. Because, that’s what it is. Not being man enough or woman enough to be able to handle something,  all because of a brusied ego.

So, be confident. Terrible people can’t deal with people that just won’t deal with them. They need the attention like air, and you can shut down their supply by simply ignoring them until they get the message becoming someone else’s problem. Believe me, it’s not a loss. They want you to believe it is, but once they’re gone your life gets better. New people bring fresh blood, and more positive energy. It’s when they’ve left that you realize how toxic to you they really were. Don’t suffer because of terrible people, send that curse back to the source. What goes around, comes around.

Actions Not Words

Everyone knows that people who talk a good game, are usually doing just that: playing games. It’s easy to get people to believe you when you’re passionate about something. Gossips are passionate about the stories they tell. Many of them are liars, but they are passionate about ruining a person. In business it is very clear that if you aren’t true to your word, you will fail. How do you succeed in business today? Under promise and over deliver.

Make good on promises you can keep. The trouble comes in, when you over promise and under deliver. That not only causes people to lose faith in you, but it will cause them to see you as untrustworthy. Once trust is broken, good luck getting it back. People want to work with people that they trust. People buy you, not your product or service: you. If they can’t trust you, then it doesn’t matter what you’re trying to sell.  Your word is your bond, and when it’s no good…

Tell people the truth, and don’t over exaggerate your abilities. This is one that people can spot fairly quickly. If you tell people you can give them the sun, the moon and the stars, you’re in deep trouble. It’s better to tell them that you can do the minimum and provide the maximum. Why? It’s better to be surprised than disappointed. Surprises provide referrals, disappointments provide a bad reputation.

Do things in less time than alloted. This is a biggie. If you can produce something in half the time you were given, it’s a win/win. If you tell someone that you need a week to produce something, and can do it 3-4 days? Hail the conquering hero! This really lets people know that you mean business, and that you can put your money where your mouth is. And, they can put stock and faith in you and your capabilities.

Don’t bash someone else to make yourself look good. The fastest route to having people lose all respect for you is to bash another person, and/or their company or products. Smear campaigns will backfire in the end. It’s unprofessional, uncalled for, and makes you look bad. At the very least, it’s a lack of character and integrity issue. What goes around, comes around. When it’s your turn, it’s not going to be pretty. It will most likely be seen as well deserved. And, is most certainly worse on the back end.

Be authentic. Big talkers who have no strategy and no plans fizzle quickly. In other words: they’re phonies. If you want to know if someone is a big talker, look no farther than their track record. Big talkers have big egos, and can’t back it up. They’re masters at making someone else’s achievements look like their own. The problems come in, when they try to do what others have done and they’ve taken credit for. They quickly bail out, and blame others for their personal failures.

People judge others by their actions. Only kids believe that people will trust your words. Why? Because they are just learning to use their people skills. Many will learn the hard way that people don’t go by what you say, they watch what you do. So remember, resist the urge to talk about big plans if you have no way to translate them to actions. Not only will you keep your reputation in good standing, people will know that they can trust you. People who are trusted make the most money, have the best relationships, and live happier, healthier lives. Thats’s some return.

 

 

 

 

 

Ego and Insecurity

Reprinted from Relationship Rules.

 

7 signs his ego is more important than the relationship

Guys who have a big ego are insecure about themselves. It’s simple psychology. When a guy is egoistic, he will lack the required self-esteem to bring positive vibes to a relationship.

All he will have to offer to the relationship will be negativity and when a person is unhappy about himself, he does things which drive people away. If your boyfriend is egotistic and self centered, he will be more concerned about his fragile insecurities than filling the cracks in your soul.

Here are some signs which show that he is more concerned about himself than you.

  1. Everything is about him

Whenever you’re hurt or depressed, and you tell him about your sorrows, instead of helping you get out of this state and providing support, he makes it all about himself. He relates it to his pain and eventually, you end up consoling him.

  1. He’s an ‘Askhole’, pardon my French

In the words of the great Robert Downy Jr.,

“Whenever anyone gives you advice, Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the f*ck you were gonna do anyway.”

I love Robert Downey JR. He is awesome, but we’ve come to know in all Iron man movies that he’s definitely not the ideal boyfriend.

Even if he does take your advice, he can’t just accept that you were right; he will just try to take all of the credit and discredit you from everything. His ego is so colossal that it’s actually tangible in the air that surrounds him.

  1. The blame game

Whenever there is some sort of a disagreement, he will protect himself. He will run away and make you feel guilty. You know you are attached to him and it’s quite hard for you to leave someone you have spent a lot of time with. Time adds sentimental value to everything.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a wooden log. If you have spent time with someone, no matter what kind of a person he is, you are drawn towards him. Eventually, you end up apologizing for something which wasn’t even your fault.

  1. Everything around is more attractive than you:

If he is into you enough, he will notice you more than the surroundings. You do not have to bring him back from his thoughts every now and then. But if he is more into himself than you then whatever seeks his attention more than you will attract him. It can be anything, people, things, even the shape of his own nails in extreme cases.

  1. You are the source of his energy and esteem:

If he thinks that you are the perfect girl who can give him the required attention and keep your head high in a crowd, then he will keep you around even if he is not that into you. You are just there to fullfil his need for praise and approval. You are supposed to find him perfect and flawless as he is center of your world.

He needs you as the main cheerleader when he’s on the field playing football because you will make sure everyone knows how worthy he is of praises and cheers.

  1. Too critical of you:

But you cannot be perfect! Do not forget that a self-obsessed guy will be too egotistic for words. Even if you change your whole appearance and modify your personality according to his choice and wish, you will still remain the dumb dame who he found in distress. As he is the Greek God of looks and has the perfect body (all in his head), you are a mere creature that he has been gracious enough to keep with himself.

Throughout the whole time period you get to hear remarks such as this haircut doesn’t suit you, you have ugly legs and can’t you be like other normal girls? He would never even care to criticise you in private, if it is done, it is done publicly and openly.

  1. Why did the other guy even talk to you?

As much as he despises you, he still cannot bear to see any other guy even look at you because you are his trophy. You are perfect and he knows that but will never admit. If you have an ex that you still sometimes greet in the hallway, well, you are in for great trouble missy! He will never let you be free and will cut your wings because you belong to him and his trophy cannot be shared with anyone at all.

It’s always right to let go of a person who thinks that the relationship is only meant to fulfil his desires and he is only there to drain your emotional energy. Relationships are a full time job and two people are responsible for its longevity.

Talk to me

So, have you ever met anyone who matches all of these signs? Has he made you feel miserable? Let me know in the comments below!

http://www.relrules.com/7-signs-his-ego-is-more-important-than-the-relationship/3/