Why is the world so full of control freaks? I mean really, what gives? Everywhere you look, these highly insecure people are making life hell for those around them. Have you ever wondered what makes these people tick? Why they are the way they are? And why would anyone want to be that way? They use whatever means necessary to have you under their thumb, and resent your individuality. Are they for real? Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with you.
I read constantly, and one book answered the control freak question in a way that I could understand. The Book, “Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You”, by Patricia Evans was an eye opener.. www.patriciaevans.com She talks about Controllers having backwards approaches, and backwards connections. How controllers get “beside” themselves, meaning they are unaware of self. This is why they hate boundaries. They see them as threats. Boundaries identify the parts of each person that separates them from one another. The parts that identify you as an individual. Controllers don’t like to feel separate. It makes them feel vulnerable and afraid. Their reasoning is, you are who I say you are, and you’re a possession. And don’t you forget it.
The real issue is their feelings of powerlessness, which compels them to do whatever it takes to feel powerful. The “Teddy Illusion” chapter alone is worth reading the book. Her chapters, “The Control Connection”, “Plugged In and Powerless”, “Signs of Separateness”, and “The Controller’s Identity Dilemma” are powerful. She also has a chapter called, “Control Tactics” so you can identify when you’re being controlled. Much of controlling behavior is fueled by fear.
Then I read, “Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them”, by Dr. Paul Hegstrom. http://www.lifeskillsintl.org/ He validated for me what Evans had written. More importantly, he was a controller as well. He was able to get the life skills he needed to become a mature man. His take is: controllers are emotionally immature, dealing with arrested development, and don’t build strong character. These are just some of the problems these people face. Every other problem seems to stem from there. He shares much of this information on his Youtube channel, here’s a clip about the Arrested Development https://youtu.be/0x4qtuEtWe8
He talks about the “Jekyll and Hyde” personas that all control freaks have ( created and perfected in childhood ). Mean spirited, angry and controlling in private at home. Fun loving, easy going, and jovial in public. He was spot on with the comment that men use sex and money as source of control. His story is one of being victorious over his personal demons, despite the odds being against him. His book, “Broken Children, Grown Up Pain: Understanding The Effects of Your Wounded Past”, explains a lot of the anger that they feel. And, more importantly why those closest to them bear the brunt.
So the next time you have dealings with a control freak, keep in mind that they are just the walking wounded. Children trapped in adult bodies, living in a world that terrifies them and makes them feel powerless. Controllers are emotionally immature and feel powerless. They don’t have the life or coping skills to have fulfilling relationships which they so desperately want. The great news is there’s hope for those struggling with this issue. Dr Hegstrom and Ms Evans have provided the first steps. All anyone has to do now, is get on the path.