Why is it when people get divorced, the ones that cause the most harm want to play the victim? You know, the that ones that: cheat, are abusive, are selfish and self-absorbed, irresponsible, lie, are immature, are angry and/or moody, are disingenuous, don’t know how to be partners, or just not good marriage material. The ones that tell everyone else that they’re the injured parties. To add insult to injury, they call the one who has been left with all the destruction to pick up the pieces of their life: bitter. Really? Welcome to the wonderful world of justification. Where up is down, right is left, and fantasy becomes real.
A couple of therapists I know once told me, that the one that does the antagonizing after the ink dries, is the one that regrets the divorce ( 85% percent of people who get a divorce, regret it ). The one that keeps up the contact and can’t let go, no matter who divorced whom, is the one with regrets. Crazy as it sounds, it seems to be true. So why is that? They lack the humility to let the other person know that they made a huge mistake according to these same therapists. One male, the other female for those asking. So, pride and ego are the root. Pride comes before a fall, and people with egos… Well, we know what their problem is: selfishness.
This could explain some of the “bitterness” labeling. After all, if my ego and pride need for you to be pining after and/or angry with me. Of course I choose to believe that you’re bitter. You’ve lost all that is “Moi”. Sheesh. The truth is, most people want to believe that their Ex’s can’t or simply don’t want to live without them. Or, can’t fathom that they actually got over them. Even worse, that the person is capable of simply moving on, with someone else. Gasp! Talk about a blow to the ego.
The thought that a person can move forward after all the power and control exerted over their emotions ( by the Ex ), is a frightening realization. Especially to someone overly invested in seeing someone emotionally perish without their presence. But, news flash: it’s done all the time. By normal everyday people. People can be hurt without becoming bitter. They’re just hurt. There is a huge difference: the hurting want to heal, the bitter want revenge.
Besides, people who can find a positive outlet are able get over a failed relationship faster. They have something else to focus on. This empowers them, and helps them to become healthier for the next relationship. Which, by the way, is often just over the horizon. Not letting a proud, egotistical Ex push your buttons is difficult. But it can be done. They need to believe in the “bitterness myth”, for their own sake. It makes them feel wanted and powerful. Remember, it’s all about them, not you.
Join a support group, seek therapy, chat on a forum, meet new friends. Just don’t let them rent any more space in your head for free. You wouldn’t take them back anyway. They usually aren’t worth the trouble, most wouldn’t change if their very lives depended on it. Even if they did change, would it last? Probably not without extensive therapy ( which they probably dodged while you were together anyway ). Who has time for that? You could meet someone else and be happy without history. Besides, if they had valued the relationship to begin with, you wouldn’t be divorced.
Bitterness is bondage. Being a better person that’s freedom. You can’t do that with the shadow of a desperate to see you fail Ex. Cut your losses and move on. It’s a big world, lose the bitterness and anger. The Ex is your past, and they need to stay there. Peace, tranquility, sleep and a sound mind are priceless. Bitterness robs you of it all.