The Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments’ this is how they manage you down to feeling worthless. When the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against someone, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s REAL flaws, it is shot at you to just wound you enough to disable you with their made-up accusations.

If you want to be successful in business, you have to be able to recognize these people. If you want to be happy in relationships, run far, run fast. Never let this person back into your life no matter what.

After Narcissistic Abuse

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable as far as it concerns seeking out their prey (or source of supply) and all of us are possible targets. What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality or facade, but they can’t monitor or better yet control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructiveness or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged and just don’t care. Everything you offer them be it care or unconditional love is used and abused while they get at what they came for. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips…

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How the Narcissist manages you down!

Watch out for these types in personal relationships and business. They’re toxic, manipulative, and do actively try to drive you crazy. All, while telling the world that you have problems that never existed until you had dealings with them. They are masters of projection, and use “you made me”, and “if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have” statements. Beware clients and people who are close to you that refuse to be held accountable for their actions. They want you to trust their words and ignore their toxic actions.

After Narcissistic Abuse

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com

 

I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist in order for you to make sense of the distorted reality of what is REALLY going on in there. It is always dangerous and against our best interests to attempt to understand their darkness – so remember to heed my advice and never try to do it.

 

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the real truth.

 

A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result…

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Strategic Misrepresentation

Strategic Misrepresentation: intentional or systematic distortion of misstatement of facts for the purpose of gaining financial advantage. …(Fieser, 2nd ed., 2015, pg 85)

As an entrepreneur that’s ready to launch a successful business, I have to keep learning. It’s amazing how much you can learn while pursuing a degree. Taking an Ethics class has been a real eye opener. I had never heard of the term, Strategic Misrepresentation, but I do know it of it by it’s other name: Lying by Omission.

If you’ve ever been lied to by omission, you know exactly what I’m talking about. People who leave out pertinent information that lead you to believe something that isn’t true. Manipulative people are masters at lying by omission. They’re con artists that want you to believe, if I didn’t say it… Then I can’t be a liar now can I?

Steer clear of this toxic person. Whether it’s in business or relationships. These liars are dangerous. Malignant types don’t actually tell you a lie, they just don’t give you all of the information. This can lead you to make uninformed decisions based on part of the “story”. Without having all the facts, you may make a decision and/or take action that will harm you and/or others.

This is how it looks in relationships:

  • You meet a great guy or gal, and they’re tight lipped about their family and/or friends. What you don’t know about a person’s background can hurt you. There is always a reason that people hide or play down their past. If they were raised by unethical people, they are unethical people. Unethical people lie by omission about their history. You don’t want to find out after that fact, that you don’t want to associate with their family or friends, because they “left out” important information about them.
  • You are trying to accomplish a goal. The person closest to you says that they will support you, encourage you, and want to help you succeed. Once you start becoming successful, they stymie your efforts. At every turn, they are undermining your success. In some cases, outright sabotaging you in your endeavors. As they do this, they claim to be “protecting you”. All while destroying what you’re trying to build.
  • Keep losing friends after you start dating someone? They claim that your friends are jealous of your relationship. Don’t buy into this one. There are insecure people out there that will make you believe that your friends are jealous, when in fact, they’re the jealous ones. And, behind the scenes, are systematically running your friends off.  All while presenting themselves your savior from disloyal friends.

Strategic misrepresentation is by far the most manipulative, dishonest, and destructive thing a person can inflict on someone.  It’s inauthentic, and abusive behavior. Yes, abusive. It falls under the guidelines of emotional abuse on the Power and Control wheel. http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf . Lies eventually are uncovered. And, lies have a habit of not being able to stand up under scrutiny. Eventually, stories don’t add up, and cracks will surface. Once that happens, the floodgates are open for the truth to come out.

Lying by omission is far worse than telling a lie. Lying is a character flaw. Lying by omission is a lack of integrity and character issue. Telling a lie is a tool used to protect oneself. Lying by omission on the other hand, is a way of life. Neither are right, one is a negative temporary fix, while the other is ingrained.  There is a high price to pay for misrepresenting yourself. Just ask anyone that has burned bridges that can’t be rebuilt because of perpetual lying. Once a bridge is burnt by lying, it’s extremely rare that you will find anyone that will to try to help you rebuild it.

Reference

Fieser, James. Introduction to Business Ethics, 2nd Ed., 2015, Bridgepoint Education Inc.

 

Narcissists Have Two Very Distinct Groups of People in their Lives

Awesome, and dead on. Once you let the Narc leave your life, all of their toxic behavior leaves with them. No Contact is your saving grace, protect yourself and those you love at all costs.

After Narcissistic Abuse

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NARCS HAVE 2 CAMPS:

The Ones that don’t know them (those that love them) and those that KNOW THEM (and can’t stand them).


Talking to another victim of the narcissist that abused me last evening made me realize a few things about narcissists and their 2 very opposing camps of people in their lives. 

The narcissist guards these camps like a prison guard. Making sure that the two camps have NO INTERACTION. Theyll build a wall so high that the dupe won’t see past it: the other camp is described by the narcissist as “crazy, bitter, revengeful, jealous, harmed the narcissist and still wants to harm them.” The tales they’ll spin to build that wall, is unbeknownst to the new target, a PRISON that will soon cause them to feel trapped and lifeless.

The narcissist knows with dire fear, that their gig is up if the duped person begins to believe…

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Is This You Fellas?

Don’t kid yourselves guys, do these things and she’s doneIf you see any of these character and integrity issues within yourself, then clean up your act. If it’s too late?

These character flaws burn bridges, and pollute the waters. Leaving you only your pride and ego intact, but with a woman who no longer wants or loves you. She will either leave, or let you leave without much resistance.

http://www.relrules.com/top-8-ways-men-destroy-their-marriage/

Reprinted here.

Top 8 ways Men destroy their Marriage

Kaetlyn SummersPosted 8 months ago
via Shutterstock

Marriage is a sacred bond, people take it so lightly. Don’t be one of these people.

Marriage is a very hard thing to pull off. It’s like living on a prayer. You never know when things can turn dull and dreary. However, there’s always a pattern to destruction. This list is not geared towards men because they’re always at fault. We’re just going to highlight some things that men do that can ruin a marriage. A woman is sometimes equally culpable for the failure of a marriage.

People need to understand that Marriage is not always about love. It’s more of a choice. You choose to be with your partner through thick and thin. You choose to sacrifice your happiness for your partner. It’s not just about Love. Love is essential but it’s not the only thing that is essential.

Let’s discuss some things that men do to destroy a marriage.

1. Not caring about what makes your woman Insecure

The mind of a woman is highly complex. They notice even the minor details about the one they love. They follow their every move because they are highly committed to them. You know that she feels insecure when you look at other women and no matter how much she trusts you, she will need reassurance that you are still faithful to her and love her and respect her feelings.

If you brush off her insecurities by continuously making jokes and telling her that she always makes a big deal out of everything, then you are making a big mistake and it will come to haunt you in the future.

When you are married to someone, you can’t let your partner feel unwanted. It’s perfectly natural to look at other women but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your partner’s discomfort.

You need to reassure your wife that you are loyal to her and it’s not hard to do that. You wife will ask you many questions when she feels unwanted or insecure. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t trust you. It just means that she just needs reassurance and a way to connect with you. If she asks you that do you still love her? Or do you find her beautiful? Then don’t hesitate to answer her.

Make her feel that you still find her beautiful and not just say it but make her believe it. Look into her eyes and make a soul to soul connection with her and tell her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. This will eradicate all the doubts she has in her mind.

2. Underestimating the Importance of small gestures

If your wife isn’t a gold digger, she won’t always need a diamond necklace to make her happy. You can make her happy by doing really simple things for her.

Simple gestures of love can lighten her up. If you’re just focusing on grand gestures, then she might feel like you are doing them because you feel guilty and covering up for your little deficiencies. Leave a text that says ‘I Love you’.

Surprising her by waking up and making breakfast for her can do wonders for you. Play with the kids right after coming from work. Women find man very sexy who are good with the kids.

Never ever forget her birthday or you are in for bashing. Make sure that even after 5 or 16 years, her birthday is memorable for her.

Wish her at midnight and make arrangements for a surprise party. Spend the day with her and if you’re busy then give her your undivided attention even if it’s for a few hours.

3. Letting anger get the best of you

Whenever men are having a hard time in life, they think that by not involving their spouse in these things, they’re doing them a favor. That’s highly untrue. All their doing is closing their partner off and harboring all that bitterness and anger inside them which is poison to their veins.

Women know when their man is disturbed and it’s impossible to conceal such things from them. They feel like that their partner doesn’t consider them worthy enough to help them.

She wants to feel closer to you and not so that she can make things worse. All she wants to do is be a part of your life. Women assume.

That’s how it works for them. If she asks you several times that what the problem is and you ignore her every time, she will not only feel neglected but think that she is the problem.

You can stop this from happening by just opening up to her and not making a mountain out of a mole hill. It’s just that simple.

4. Not taking responsibility for your actions and being a man

There are some things which men to blame their women for because it hurts their pride. It can be an affair or alcohol addiction or any similar thing.

You blame her for your deficiencies instead of taking responsibility for them. “She doesn’t care for me that’s why I had an affair” Do you listen to yourself right now? How stupid you sound?

If you’ve done something wrong, it’s time to be a man if you want to save your marriage. Stop blaming your mistakes on someone else. You are responsible for the implications your actions bring. The first step to taking responsibility is acceptance.

You have to accept that you did something wrong because of yourself and not someone else. Once you accept that you were the problem, you can then move on to the next step or you will always be in denial.

If your wife really does make your life a living hell, then be a man and tell her. Be open towards her. If she loves you, she’ll understand. Clear the air and end the torture.

5. Going for someone who is not compatible with you or not ready for marriage

Never rush into marriage. Marriage is a long-term commitment and some men make the wrong decision without thinking it through.

A woman who has incompatibilities with the man will have the same incompatibilities after the marriage. If she is dominant and a control freak before the marriage, this won’t just magically change after the marriage.

Not every girl you will meet will be marriage material. Some girls will be immature and not ready for marriage but they’re young and they don’t know what they’re getting into and they’ll end up regretting marrying you. When you are going to marry someone, you should have utter clarity.

If you’re gonna marry a depressed woman in hopes that you will fix her after marriage, then you’re taking a big risk.

One thing is for sure that if you’re choosing the wrong woman, the only end result will be failure.. Be realistic and rational and don’t let the overwhelming power of love cloud your judgment. This is not an easy decision so think it through.

Marriage requires both the husband and the wife to work hard every day and overlook many flaws and move on with the resolve that they will not let the love die between them and work on their deficiencies.

6. The Silent treatment

This is one of the worst things to do in a marriage. If you hold things inside you, they will act as an anchor. They will affix you to an abyss that will be hard to escape from. If you’ve had a fight with your partner, you should discuss it with them instead of being distant and unresponsive.

Communication is highly important in a relationship. When two couples stop talking to each other, the distance starts to grow and there comes a point when your partner becomes a stranger to you. You have nothing left to talk about if you leave things be. Emotional intimacy is very important and it can only be maintained if you have a soul to soul connection with your partner.

Some men are emotionally distant. They stop talking and they assume stuff in their head. They assume that they can’t be helped. They underestimate the ability of their women to make them happy as the marriage progresses. It’s obvious that you will not have the same fire that you had in the start of your marriage. This is no excuse to stop talking to your woman.

You should talk about your dreams with her and you should tell her that you see a future in which she has an integral part. Don’t just hold the little details in. Let them be known to your partner so that the love between you grows ever so stronger.

7. Being Judgmental and always trying to fix her

Women are very sensitive beings. Sometimes, they will have problems and they will just want someone to listen to them. They don’t want answers. They just want someone to be with them in these rough times until they figure out a solution.

If a man is being pushy and forcing her to make decisions all the time and judging, then it will circumvent a woman’s freedom. She will feel less independent and insecure. She will feel that someone is taking away her freedom.

None of us are perfect. We all have our insecurities and fears and marriage is all about compromise. It’s about loving another person unconditionally. Men tend to become judgmental just because the society pressurize them to be. If your woman makes a mistake, you can advise her to solve things but you can’t force her.

8. Never Saying “I’m Sorry.”

All marriages have fights and arguments. The trick is to identify the limit which will take the argument too far. You need to ask yourself that is winning an argument more important than your marriage?

Sometimes, walking away from an argument can make your love stronger. It can strengthen the bond between you two. If you can resolve a conflict by just saying, “I’m sorry’’ then you shouldn’t let your ego get in the way. If your partner loves you, they will make sure that they do no alleviate your self-esteem.

Apologizing means that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage alive. Some men think that if they apologize, it will hurt their pride. All it does is make your wife realize that she’s got a man that she can bear all burdens with.



What Family Should Be Like

Ah, family… If you were fortunate enough to live in a functional one, consider yourself blessed. Most people these days aren’t so fortunate. A culture of dysfunction is prevalent. If you have anyone in your family that is in your corner consider yourself lucky. There aren’t many people in my family that fit the “in your corner” bill, but I have that one cousin that is alway letting me know that he is.  I don’t hear these words from anyone but him: I’m proud of you. And, remember, “family isn’t always blood”.

My cousin Allen and I are about a year apart. Whenever things aren’t going right, I can count on him to be positive and uplifting. Since I’m not especially close to my parents, and have a non existent relationship with my only sibling, it’s nice to know that I have family that cares.  He let’s me know what the rest of the family refuses to tell me: I’m on the right track, that you can always start over, mistakes make you stronger and that someone is in my corner. I know who I can count on, to not put me down during the times I’m struggling.

Then there’s Rachel my “other mom”. She’s actually my best friend’s mother. I can talk to her about anything. Why? She listens, really listens. I don’t have to worry about every mistake I’ve ever made being thrown in my face. We talk about things that are going on in the present, and what I need to do about it. She validates my feelings. I really feel understood and heard when we’re talking.  She’s logical, rational, helps me put things in perspective. And, the best part: she doesn’t try to shut me down when she doesn’t like what I’m saying. She empathizes. She doesn’t justify, make excuses, or try to invalidate my grievances.

I can’t forget Danielle, my “little sister”. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her as a friend and confidante. As a business partner, she’s awesome. We think just enough alike to work together well, and just enough differently to make a business work. I trust her, and we are able to work through issues with mutual respect and confidence. She makes me laugh, and we’ve shed some tears together. She’s loyal, and loyalty is what I treasure these days the most.

My kids are my lifeline. I can’t say enough about how much I love them. It’s not always easy being a parent, and at any given time there will be problems. They are the reason for me achieving the things that I do. They remind me that they love me the minute I feel like giving up. They show love, gratitude and appreciation for what I do for them. They aren’t perfect, but are loving and care. They’re hard working, and sensitive. They understand that life doesn’t revolve around them, and are discerning. They have integrity, great character, values and morals that make me proud. I love them, and can’t believe that I gave birth to such fantastic people.

Thank goodness for Mark. Everyone should have a friend like this man. He’s positive, accomplished, encouraging, and most importantly willing to help out his friends. Consistently eager to lend a helping hand, with a positive message and actions that follow. This man talks the talk, and walks the walk. He’s smart, well connected, and easy going. Because he’s constantly looking to grow and improve, he’s willing and open to listen to: opinions, ideas, and thoughts that are different from his own. He has his ego in check, his humility and giving, selfless nature are honorable.

And last, but not least: Justine. We are so much alike. I love her laugh, and she’s a kind and giving person. Hardworking mom, with a fantastic singing voice. Who wouldn’t want a friend that you can share with, and understands what you’re going through? She’s smart, knows how to really listen. Wise, and her advice is spot on. Conversations with her are also uplifting, and she really knows how to make your feel welcome when you’re around her. She knows no strangers, and she smiles a lot. You can feel the happiness in her presence.

Most people just don’t know how to love, especially in families. Many are under the false belief that you can mistreat family, and there’s not a thing they can do about it. Nothing could be further from the truth. When you are: disrespectful, condescending, judgmental, critical, harsh, abusive, rejecting and unloving? You don’t deserve a pass just because you are family. In fact, family members are the one set of people who have the right to call you on it. Period. It’s delusional to expect family to accept mistreatment and still want to be around you. Charity begins in the home, if it doesn’t happen there? Then you’ll live a life of seeking it in all the wrong places and people.

Learned Helplessness

“Learned helplessness, in psychology, a mental state in which an organism forced to bear aversive stimulus, or stimuli that are painful or otherwise unpleasant, becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters with those stimuli, even if they are “escapable,” presumably because it has learned that it cannot control the situation.” Encyclopedia Britannica

“Emotional intelligence (EI) is the capability of individuals to recognize their own, and other people’s emotions, to discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, and to manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt environments or achieve one’s goal(s).” Wikipedia

Are you the type of person that gives up easily? Have you always been this way? The first sign of trouble you lash out, or look for a means of escape? Are you afraid to face things? Even the worst parts of yourself? Do you avoid failure at all costs? Even if means that you can learn from it? Welcome to the wonderful world of learned helplessness. It kills businesses, relationships, and any possible personal growth.

Amy Morin, author of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” talks about this. Much of her book deals with the things that hold people back. It’s well worth the read. And, if you are suffering from learned helplessness, you can turn things around. You have to be willing to give up your means of escaping reality to do so. How do you know if you’re suffering from it?

Do you use alcohol or drugs when you can’t deal with your situation? Many people say and/or do things drunk or high that they would never say and/or do if they were in control of themselves. Learned helplessness teaches that you can’t do anything on your own, so using alcohol or drugs somehow becomes the equalizer. If you believe this to be true. Ask yourself one vital question:  Why can I only say and/or do something under the influence, when I’m no longer in total control of myself? Most people live to regret decisions, choices and actions made while intoxicated.

Are you using people when you can’t deal with your situation? Bad break up, and you want the other person to lose or suffer? Close friend and/or family member have some issues that refuse to see what they’ve done, making it impossible to talk to them about it? So you turn to someone else? In the end, it creates more problems. Social media, texting, email, etc… are making it possible to cause unending drama. Deal with the issues directly and calmly. It’s amazing how fast they resolve.

* Warning: A person that is combative, abusive and/or belligerent whenever they are hurt and/or challenged is dangerous. They aren’t interested in resolution, only winning at all costs. Their Emotional Intelligence may be low ( name calling [verbal abuse], fixation [the inability to move on from a traumatic event],  cyber bullying and/or other forms of stalking, grudges, and changes in personality when using a substance [alcohol or drugs] are red flags ). Go no contact if any of the above escalates and involve law enforcement if it continues. 

Are you in denial? No one wants to be the bad guy. But, be honest, are you? Learned helplessness can quickly turn into bitterness. The quest for revenge and lashing out becomes the norm, and people will avoid you. Bad energy is toxic, and if not dealt with can destroy your relationships and ultimately your life. Projection, deflection and blame are the tools used to self protect, and it eventually become a fortress of your own making. It then destroys from within. Some of the most miserable people in life refuse to look at themselves as the orchestrator’s of their own misery.

Learn helplessness can be overcome. You have to be willing to admit that it’s a problem. If not? Then you will continue to feel angry, bitter, and uneasy in your own skin. The key to overcoming it? Take action, and face your fears. If you have a substance abuse problem join a group. Stop letting the addiction control you. Can’t let go of a person? See a therapist and get help moving on. Only another person can call you on being in denial. If 3 people tell you you look sick? You look sick. Ask them for help on how to clean up your act. Don’t live in a prison of your making. Life is too short to be miserable, lonely, and isolated.

 

Happiness at Last

When you think of your friends, what’s the first thing you think of? Especially your closest ones? Do they uplift you, or put you down? Do they have your back, or do they throw you under the bus? Can you trust them, or just tolerate their presence? True friends are worth their weight in gold. Really.

My best friend is finally getting remarried. The guy she’s with is a real keeper. I’m happy for her. She had to kiss a lot of toads before finding her frog prince. And, yes, he’s a prince. I love her to death, and hope that this man is the one she gets to spend the rest of her life with. She deserves to be happy. Can’t wait for the wedding.

I have another friend that is getting remarried next summer. He too finally found his princess. He only had to wait about 20 yrs, but what the heck? He’s happy, and I’m going to his wedding too. He’s like my older brother, and his bride to be has passed the friends and parents test. Again, a win/win. I love to see my friends happy.

My other best friend is now blissfully happy with her new live in love. The news keeps getting better and better. Can’t wait to be at her wedding. I’m going to be doing some traveling this year, but it’s going to be great. She looks so much happier since her divorce, and her new love? The sweetest man you will ever meet.

Me, I’m happy to be single. Everyone else wanted to remarry ( all of my friend above are divorced and getting remarried ), not me. At least not for now. I like the new freedom of being on my own. I’m a better mom, more relaxed and I feel like I’m able to be myself again. I like who I am, and my life isn’t all that I want it to be. But, it’s not where it used to be.

My girlfriends keep telling me I’m next. That he’ll be a business man, and I’ll meet him soon. That would be the perfect partner for me. I’m in no hurry. I’m good on my own. I like being accountable only to myself and the most part my kids. Less stress, and more love. Life is hectic, but my kids and I no matter what the circumstances: live in peace. No discord, malice, vindictiveness, ill will, instability, etc… Just good old fashioned peace and harmony.

I have other friends that feel the same way I do. No insecurities about being alone, and definitely like our own company. I guess that’s when you find the right person. When you’re good with being you. Once all of my friends were good with being themselves while being alone? Bam! There was Mr or Ms Right. I guess the second time’s a charm for love, and I think that they’re right. My friends are happy now, and I’m happy for them.

I found that happiness is a choice, and I’m glad I made it. I was once told that once I make up my mind, I stick to it. I’m unstoppable that way. I’m not quitter. So, chose to be happy. It takes less energy than anger, and it doesn’t age you. In fact, you’ll gain years on your life. Happiness is contagious. Are you spreading this disease?