Time Well Used

2017 has been a year of tremendous changes, and all of them have been life changing. I’ve learned more about people, and what life is like with the right kind of people in your life. I’ve been told that I’m an amazing woman this year by countless people. I had no idea what I was made of. This year has been the year that has shown me that I have what it takes to make it in life. I’ve also seen my kids grow and excel as well. I have much to be grateful for, and this Christmas season is no exception.

Life is better with gratitude. Ungrateful people can’t stand to see others happy, and are miserable no matter what they have. They’re focused only on themselves, their wants and needs, refusing to consider other peoples experiences. The grass isn’t greener on the other side, and ungrateful people find that out the hard way. Being happy with what you already have is empowering. The more you appreciate what you have, the better your life becomes. Gratitude comes from serving others, ungrateful people only know how to serve themselves.

Dreams do come true. Once you get focused on the right things, you can dream again. I have a business partner that would be a great husband, and I hope to find a man just like him. He’s encouraging, positive, ambitious, caring, intelligent, self-disciplined, successful and has helped me to learn to dream again. He’s good at painting pictures of what my life could be like, so I now focus on what I want. I don’t accept and/or settle in life any longer. I’m a big picture thinker again. I’ve been told that I think faster than most people, and that once I harness this? I’ll be unstoppable. I’m satisfied with the knowledge of this revelation.

Be open to love. I love my kids to pieces, and I now see what a real loving relationship looks like. I have friends who are in relationships that are what I know are relationship goals. They treat each other they way the want to be treated. Guess what? It makes their whole relationship satisfying and fulfilling. They consider each others feelings, needs, wants and desires. And, they don’t always try to get their own way at the expensive of their spouse. They also see each other as mutual partners that work with not against each other. Love is not competitive, ungrateful, entitled, punitive, and it isn’t self-serving.

Storms come. You find out who’s for you in the storms of life. Those who leave you in the midst of the storm? If someone leaves you during a storm, they aren’t for you. People who look for shelter without you, should give you pause to think about why they’re so important to you to begin with.  Those that stay no matter what? They’re for you, that’s loyalty. Too many people settle for those who make them stand alone during trouble. Dysfunctional relationships are leverage driven, and not cooperation driven. You really find out if you’re dealing with an in it for “right now”, or “the long haul” type during a storm.

Don’t forget who put you in the storm. Anyone that would cause you to have to go through a storm will eventually face the consequences. Don’t take revenge, Karma is your best advocate. Things never fail to be worse on the back end for the person that causes you pain, strife, chaos and destruction. It’s been in my experience that the person that causes you deliberate harm, will deal with harsh reality of what that’s like. To make matters worse, they end up in the very same situation that they created for you on steroids: what goes around, comes around.

There are lots of lessons to be learned in a year, and I’m grateful to all of the ones that I’ve learned. I know that the people surrounding me celebrate and don’t tolerate me. I learn from my past mistakes, and don’t make the same ones twice. Closing some doors, but opening others will either bring success or failure in life. I’m seeing success, all because I took a chance and closed some doors, but opened others.

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Power Couples

https://addicted2success.com/life/5-skills-you-and-your-partner-need-to-master-to-become-an-unstoppable-power-couple/

When you start a business while in a relationship, make sure you’re on the same page. Leave the competition outside the relationship, and you’ll see success. Compete against each other, and see everything destroyed. The best part of being in a power couple? You become better people, and you both grow. So make sure you’re with the right person. The wrong person will hasten your journey to failure. If they have a track record of failure and quitting? Then you can’t expect them be a part of the power equation.

The Insecurity Monster

http://www.elcrema.com/2016/12/29/6-signs-your-man-is-threatened-by-your-success/

I have never believed in dumbing oneself down, hiding your talents, or pretending to be helpless to make a man happy. Or, so that he can feel “good” about himself. It’s so important that you choose the right one to share your life with. If his father didn’t accomplish much in life? That’s a red flag. When surpassing a guy like this, he will derail your career and a better life. An insecure man is a competitive man. Your home should provide peace, love and safety; not be a battlefield for supremacy.

If he can’t handle you being more successful? Let him go, and find yourself one that can. If he needs someone to feel superior too, then he’s not right for you. There are plenty of men out there that are looking to be part of a power couple. If you’re smart, resourceful, enterprising, an over-achiever, hardworking or just plain ambitious? Be extremely picky with your choice. You want a man that wants to help make you, not break you.

Resentment will cause him to do everything in his power to try to “bring you down a few notches”. Or worse: feel the need to control you. A controlling man, is a threatened man. Thank goodness there are good ones out there. The ones that know how to feel pride in your successes, and want to brag about them. Those men are worth their weight in gold.

But, be careful. Insecure men will pick insecure women to try to prop up. The kind of woman that feeds on drama buys into this BS. She’ll think that she’s awesome, living a mediocre life, with no real future. But as long as he says she’s fantastic… I feel really sorry for those types, they dance them deep and fast to rock bottom. All while he’s singing her praises.

So, if you find yourself in the situation from the above article, and he leaves? Do a little dance, and enjoy letting the toxic dump find a new dumping ground. You just watched the worst thing that ever happened to you head for the hills.

Confessions of a Control Freak

Had to post this article. Control freaks? Let them go and control someone else. Control freaks keep people in bondage due to their personal demons and insecurities. Better to be with someone who doesn’t need to constantly self protect. Be with someone who is  capable of love, connection, peace, trust and understanding.

Control freaks don’t have these qualities because they’re too afraid of not being able to control the outcome. Small people create small worlds, and then want to force you to live in them. Caged animals will always want to be free, something to think about. They only know: chaos, confusion, discord, distrust and strife. Let them have it, find someone who compliments, not complicates your life.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201506/confessions-recovering-control-freak%3Famp

 

The Narcissist isn’t attacking your ‘faults and shortcomings,’ he/she is attacking your ‘virtues and accomplishments’ this is how they manage you down to feeling worthless. When the Narcissist is conducting a character assassination against someone, the gun the Narcissists shoots never hits one of that person’s REAL flaws, it is shot at you to just wound you enough to disable you with their made-up accusations.

If you want to be successful in business, you have to be able to recognize these people. If you want to be happy in relationships, run far, run fast. Never let this person back into your life no matter what.

After Narcissistic Abuse

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-Narcissist-Narcissistic/dp/1523820179/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468595784&sr=1-1&keywords=from+charm+to+harm

As simple as it all sounds the Narcissist’s aim is impeccable as far as it concerns seeking out their prey (or source of supply) and all of us are possible targets. What is the main coefficient here? You, me and the rest of the world. Without us there is no way they can participate in life and achieve supply. They HAVE to live amongst us with a believable reality or facade, but they can’t monitor or better yet control their distorted needs, nor do they even see their destructiveness or perverted lifestyle as dysfunctional because they are too damaged and just don’t care. Everything you offer them be it care or unconditional love is used and abused while they get at what they came for. Unfortunately, that façade and mask slips…

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How the Narcissist manages you down!

Watch out for these types in personal relationships and business. They’re toxic, manipulative, and do actively try to drive you crazy. All, while telling the world that you have problems that never existed until you had dealings with them. They are masters of projection, and use “you made me”, and “if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have” statements. Beware clients and people who are close to you that refuse to be held accountable for their actions. They want you to trust their words and ignore their toxic actions.

After Narcissistic Abuse

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com

 

I am going to try to get into the head of the Narcissist in order for you to make sense of the distorted reality of what is REALLY going on in there. It is always dangerous and against our best interests to attempt to understand their darkness – so remember to heed my advice and never try to do it.

 

Narcissists ALWAYS tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions. In turn they will accuse and blame others to divert attention away from themselves and the real truth.

 

A Narcissist will refuse to accept the perspective of any human being but they will irrationally defend their own distorted/delusional position and lies as well as force you into accepting them as reality and the end result…

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Strategic Misrepresentation

Strategic Misrepresentation: intentional or systematic distortion of misstatement of facts for the purpose of gaining financial advantage. …(Fieser, 2nd ed., 2015, pg 85)

As an entrepreneur that’s ready to launch a successful business, I have to keep learning. It’s amazing how much you can learn while pursuing a degree. Taking an Ethics class has been a real eye opener. I had never heard of the term, Strategic Misrepresentation, but I do know it of it by it’s other name: Lying by Omission.

If you’ve ever been lied to by omission, you know exactly what I’m talking about. People who leave out pertinent information that lead you to believe something that isn’t true. Manipulative people are masters at lying by omission. They’re con artists that want you to believe, if I didn’t say it… Then I can’t be a liar now can I?

Steer clear of this toxic person. Whether it’s in business or relationships. These liars are dangerous. Malignant types don’t actually tell you a lie, they just don’t give you all of the information. This can lead you to make uninformed decisions based on part of the “story”. Without having all the facts, you may make a decision and/or take action that will harm you and/or others.

This is how it looks in relationships:

  • You meet a great guy or gal, and they’re tight lipped about their family and/or friends. What you don’t know about a person’s background can hurt you. There is always a reason that people hide or play down their past. If they were raised by unethical people, they are unethical people. Unethical people lie by omission about their history. You don’t want to find out after that fact, that you don’t want to associate with their family or friends, because they “left out” important information about them.
  • You are trying to accomplish a goal. The person closest to you says that they will support you, encourage you, and want to help you succeed. Once you start becoming successful, they stymie your efforts. At every turn, they are undermining your success. In some cases, outright sabotaging you in your endeavors. As they do this, they claim to be “protecting you”. All while destroying what you’re trying to build.
  • Keep losing friends after you start dating someone? They claim that your friends are jealous of your relationship. Don’t buy into this one. There are insecure people out there that will make you believe that your friends are jealous, when in fact, they’re the jealous ones. And, behind the scenes, are systematically running your friends off.  All while presenting themselves your savior from disloyal friends.

Strategic misrepresentation is by far the most manipulative, dishonest, and destructive thing a person can inflict on someone.  It’s inauthentic, and abusive behavior. Yes, abusive. It falls under the guidelines of emotional abuse on the Power and Control wheel. http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf . Lies eventually are uncovered. And, lies have a habit of not being able to stand up under scrutiny. Eventually, stories don’t add up, and cracks will surface. Once that happens, the floodgates are open for the truth to come out.

Lying by omission is far worse than telling a lie. Lying is a character flaw. Lying by omission is a lack of integrity and character issue. Telling a lie is a tool used to protect oneself. Lying by omission on the other hand, is a way of life. Neither are right, one is a negative temporary fix, while the other is ingrained.  There is a high price to pay for misrepresenting yourself. Just ask anyone that has burned bridges that can’t be rebuilt because of perpetual lying. Once a bridge is burnt by lying, it’s extremely rare that you will find anyone that will to try to help you rebuild it.

Reference

Fieser, James. Introduction to Business Ethics, 2nd Ed., 2015, Bridgepoint Education Inc.

 

Narcissists Have Two Very Distinct Groups of People in their Lives

Awesome, and dead on. Once you let the Narc leave your life, all of their toxic behavior leaves with them. No Contact is your saving grace, protect yourself and those you love at all costs.

After Narcissistic Abuse

Image

NARCS HAVE 2 CAMPS:

The Ones that don’t know them (those that love them) and those that KNOW THEM (and can’t stand them).


Talking to another victim of the narcissist that abused me last evening made me realize a few things about narcissists and their 2 very opposing camps of people in their lives. 

The narcissist guards these camps like a prison guard. Making sure that the two camps have NO INTERACTION. Theyll build a wall so high that the dupe won’t see past it: the other camp is described by the narcissist as “crazy, bitter, revengeful, jealous, harmed the narcissist and still wants to harm them.” The tales they’ll spin to build that wall, is unbeknownst to the new target, a PRISON that will soon cause them to feel trapped and lifeless.

The narcissist knows with dire fear, that their gig is up if the duped person begins to believe…

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Is This You Fellas?

Don’t kid yourselves guys, do these things and she’s doneIf you see any of these character and integrity issues within yourself, then clean up your act. If it’s too late?

These character flaws burn bridges, and pollute the waters. Leaving you only your pride and ego intact, but with a woman who no longer wants or loves you. She will either leave, or let you leave without much resistance.

http://www.relrules.com/top-8-ways-men-destroy-their-marriage/

Reprinted here.

Top 8 ways Men destroy their Marriage

Kaetlyn SummersPosted 8 months ago
via Shutterstock

Marriage is a sacred bond, people take it so lightly. Don’t be one of these people.

Marriage is a very hard thing to pull off. It’s like living on a prayer. You never know when things can turn dull and dreary. However, there’s always a pattern to destruction. This list is not geared towards men because they’re always at fault. We’re just going to highlight some things that men do that can ruin a marriage. A woman is sometimes equally culpable for the failure of a marriage.

People need to understand that Marriage is not always about love. It’s more of a choice. You choose to be with your partner through thick and thin. You choose to sacrifice your happiness for your partner. It’s not just about Love. Love is essential but it’s not the only thing that is essential.

Let’s discuss some things that men do to destroy a marriage.

1. Not caring about what makes your woman Insecure

The mind of a woman is highly complex. They notice even the minor details about the one they love. They follow their every move because they are highly committed to them. You know that she feels insecure when you look at other women and no matter how much she trusts you, she will need reassurance that you are still faithful to her and love her and respect her feelings.

If you brush off her insecurities by continuously making jokes and telling her that she always makes a big deal out of everything, then you are making a big mistake and it will come to haunt you in the future.

When you are married to someone, you can’t let your partner feel unwanted. It’s perfectly natural to look at other women but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your partner’s discomfort.

You need to reassure your wife that you are loyal to her and it’s not hard to do that. You wife will ask you many questions when she feels unwanted or insecure. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t trust you. It just means that she just needs reassurance and a way to connect with you. If she asks you that do you still love her? Or do you find her beautiful? Then don’t hesitate to answer her.

Make her feel that you still find her beautiful and not just say it but make her believe it. Look into her eyes and make a soul to soul connection with her and tell her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. This will eradicate all the doubts she has in her mind.

2. Underestimating the Importance of small gestures

If your wife isn’t a gold digger, she won’t always need a diamond necklace to make her happy. You can make her happy by doing really simple things for her.

Simple gestures of love can lighten her up. If you’re just focusing on grand gestures, then she might feel like you are doing them because you feel guilty and covering up for your little deficiencies. Leave a text that says ‘I Love you’.

Surprising her by waking up and making breakfast for her can do wonders for you. Play with the kids right after coming from work. Women find man very sexy who are good with the kids.

Never ever forget her birthday or you are in for bashing. Make sure that even after 5 or 16 years, her birthday is memorable for her.

Wish her at midnight and make arrangements for a surprise party. Spend the day with her and if you’re busy then give her your undivided attention even if it’s for a few hours.

3. Letting anger get the best of you

Whenever men are having a hard time in life, they think that by not involving their spouse in these things, they’re doing them a favor. That’s highly untrue. All their doing is closing their partner off and harboring all that bitterness and anger inside them which is poison to their veins.

Women know when their man is disturbed and it’s impossible to conceal such things from them. They feel like that their partner doesn’t consider them worthy enough to help them.

She wants to feel closer to you and not so that she can make things worse. All she wants to do is be a part of your life. Women assume.

That’s how it works for them. If she asks you several times that what the problem is and you ignore her every time, she will not only feel neglected but think that she is the problem.

You can stop this from happening by just opening up to her and not making a mountain out of a mole hill. It’s just that simple.

4. Not taking responsibility for your actions and being a man

There are some things which men to blame their women for because it hurts their pride. It can be an affair or alcohol addiction or any similar thing.

You blame her for your deficiencies instead of taking responsibility for them. “She doesn’t care for me that’s why I had an affair” Do you listen to yourself right now? How stupid you sound?

If you’ve done something wrong, it’s time to be a man if you want to save your marriage. Stop blaming your mistakes on someone else. You are responsible for the implications your actions bring. The first step to taking responsibility is acceptance.

You have to accept that you did something wrong because of yourself and not someone else. Once you accept that you were the problem, you can then move on to the next step or you will always be in denial.

If your wife really does make your life a living hell, then be a man and tell her. Be open towards her. If she loves you, she’ll understand. Clear the air and end the torture.

5. Going for someone who is not compatible with you or not ready for marriage

Never rush into marriage. Marriage is a long-term commitment and some men make the wrong decision without thinking it through.

A woman who has incompatibilities with the man will have the same incompatibilities after the marriage. If she is dominant and a control freak before the marriage, this won’t just magically change after the marriage.

Not every girl you will meet will be marriage material. Some girls will be immature and not ready for marriage but they’re young and they don’t know what they’re getting into and they’ll end up regretting marrying you. When you are going to marry someone, you should have utter clarity.

If you’re gonna marry a depressed woman in hopes that you will fix her after marriage, then you’re taking a big risk.

One thing is for sure that if you’re choosing the wrong woman, the only end result will be failure.. Be realistic and rational and don’t let the overwhelming power of love cloud your judgment. This is not an easy decision so think it through.

Marriage requires both the husband and the wife to work hard every day and overlook many flaws and move on with the resolve that they will not let the love die between them and work on their deficiencies.

6. The Silent treatment

This is one of the worst things to do in a marriage. If you hold things inside you, they will act as an anchor. They will affix you to an abyss that will be hard to escape from. If you’ve had a fight with your partner, you should discuss it with them instead of being distant and unresponsive.

Communication is highly important in a relationship. When two couples stop talking to each other, the distance starts to grow and there comes a point when your partner becomes a stranger to you. You have nothing left to talk about if you leave things be. Emotional intimacy is very important and it can only be maintained if you have a soul to soul connection with your partner.

Some men are emotionally distant. They stop talking and they assume stuff in their head. They assume that they can’t be helped. They underestimate the ability of their women to make them happy as the marriage progresses. It’s obvious that you will not have the same fire that you had in the start of your marriage. This is no excuse to stop talking to your woman.

You should talk about your dreams with her and you should tell her that you see a future in which she has an integral part. Don’t just hold the little details in. Let them be known to your partner so that the love between you grows ever so stronger.

7. Being Judgmental and always trying to fix her

Women are very sensitive beings. Sometimes, they will have problems and they will just want someone to listen to them. They don’t want answers. They just want someone to be with them in these rough times until they figure out a solution.

If a man is being pushy and forcing her to make decisions all the time and judging, then it will circumvent a woman’s freedom. She will feel less independent and insecure. She will feel that someone is taking away her freedom.

None of us are perfect. We all have our insecurities and fears and marriage is all about compromise. It’s about loving another person unconditionally. Men tend to become judgmental just because the society pressurize them to be. If your woman makes a mistake, you can advise her to solve things but you can’t force her.

8. Never Saying “I’m Sorry.”

All marriages have fights and arguments. The trick is to identify the limit which will take the argument too far. You need to ask yourself that is winning an argument more important than your marriage?

Sometimes, walking away from an argument can make your love stronger. It can strengthen the bond between you two. If you can resolve a conflict by just saying, “I’m sorry’’ then you shouldn’t let your ego get in the way. If your partner loves you, they will make sure that they do no alleviate your self-esteem.

Apologizing means that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage alive. Some men think that if they apologize, it will hurt their pride. All it does is make your wife realize that she’s got a man that she can bear all burdens with.